If you’re familiar with Dave Gorman’s Modern Life Is Goodish then you’ll almost certainly be aware of the concept of the Found Poem. Gorman’s take on this is to rummage around in the “bottom half of the internet” – the comments under stories on and similar – and repurpose them into a masterpiece of post-modern verse.

The Daily Mail website isn’t somewhere I spend a great deal of time, not least because the fashion choices of people I’ve never heard of don’t really interest me, but a piece entitled Confessional – what your plumber REALLY thinks about you seemed worth a click. And it was, but not necessarily for the content of the article itself. The plumber, who sadly chose to remain anonymous, came across as fairly typical of the profession – happy to have helped people, not mad keen on out-of-hours calls, frustrated by incompetent DIYers and infuriated at being talked down to. So far, so standard. In the comments, though, things started to liven up.

Given that there’s no such thing as an original idea, here is our blatant rip-off of tribute to Modern Life Is Goodish, entitled I wish I had been taught plumbing at school instead of Latin and differential calculus. Sadly, we can’t provide a string quartet so you’ll have to hum along while you’re reading.

All this moaning from the plummers

Maybe they’d prefer to be sat at home with no work instead?

there thinking, how much can i rip this mug off for

I’ve heard that there are plumbers who actually show up on the day they promised to show up…

but it’s probably just an urban legend

I care as much about what my plumber thinks of me as I do about JK Rowlings views on politics

Girls – your hair does glog up drains, get a plug hole catcher they’re cheaper than our call out fee

A tiny drip will wait until the morning , put a bowel under it or a towel!

Isn’t there a 10 week course on plumbing these days, hardly rocket science is it

i think you need a new career

Shakespeare for the 21st century, I’m sure you’ll agree.

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